After 25 Years Sober?

Why I went ahead and got a lockbox for Margi's opioids and gave my bride the key...

Sobriety. I can recall when I was young, perhaps just getting started or well into my iatrogenic opiate addiction, wishing I could have an expired bottle of percocet in the medicine cabinet only to throw it out without a second thought. I wished for that hard. I wished for that really hard. And it never, ever happened.

When my dad was dealing with cancer pain, I made sure to get his meds a few times, skimming off a few but making sure (in my addled mind) that he never suffered. Looking back, his suffering was for the addict his son had become, an issue nothing he said or did could change. He hated opiates for his own pain, and my addict brain took advantage of it. My entire family suffered as a result. When I went to visit my family, the door was locked until dad’s meds were securely hidden. And sadly, I still found them from time to time.

Fast forward 25 years into sobriety, and Margi, my sweet mother in law, has come to live the remainder of her life at our home. Hospice provided a comfort kit full of controlled substances of various varieties, something that would have at one time had me hovering over them like a vulture. She also has “typical” opiate pain meds for end of life pain. I am grateful to be able to be of service to my wife and her mother and that remains my focus.

When she and the meds arrived, I had already checked in with my sponsor and others in recovery to remain 100% compliant. I told my PCP to ask for random urine drug screens at any time during Margi’s time here. There had been no issue even through last night when I spoke to Rudy, who was the first therapist I convened with during treatment 25 plus years ago. We discussed the current situation and I had already staffed my own case with the hospice company as well, who agreed to do pill counts when the nurse came. They offered a lockbox at the time, and I was fine either way. And here is where Rudy, once again, challenged my disease and reminded me of the recovery basics. He said, “Be careful touching those bottles…they are like flypaper - they will get stuck to you and sooner or later end up in you.”

Now one might think I would be offended that, after 25 years, I might need such accountability. Well, not so fast. I know addict brains cannot recognize any concept of time. Ask anyone who has had decades of sobriety and then “went back out.” Many of whom would say they went back out without even thinking of it. Willpower means absolutely nothing when it comes to addiction and staying away from a drug of choice. Addicts are some of the most staunch and stubborn people I know, with willpower more powerful that I ever see among “normies” or “earth people” as we call them. The normies handle opiates like I would a stalk of broccoli. Take it or leave it. Addicts see their drug of choice like treasure. There is no more willpower to avoid a drug of choice than there is to hold your bowels if you have diarrhea! Yes, that was something my old school sponsor told me early on in my own sobriety. We addicts are a sick lot!

25 years of sobriety has given me an appreciation and a love of being truly mood altering drug free that makes me never want to go back to that life. I love life as it is today and there is nothing about being high that is worth trading my life today for. I like the fact that I love life far better than opiates. But here’s the thing. Addiction has a biological component that runs in the “feel good” part of our brains, details of which I will leave for you to research should you wish!

Addict logic sometimes says “fuck it” which are the last words an addict often says before a relapse. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard a person say, “I was around my drug of choice all night and it never bothered me a bit…” Bullshit. Maybe it doesn’t bother a person, but that person is very aware of the presence. You wouldn’t feel that way about broccoli. I was very aware of the presence of the meds, but thankfully I have been in a spiritually good place, as the AA literature for recovery helps us understand. But remember, we have a daily reprieve against relapse based upon our spiritual condition. And as humans, that changes on the daily. Even when we feel spiritually fit.

That being said, there are some amazing things that have kept me able to have the right thoughts about medications being here. It is an opportunity for a living amends for past behavior. It offers me a chance to continue to do the right thing for my family. It keeps me accountable, for addiction is a subtle foe. So when Rudy suggested going ahead with the lockbox for increased accountability, I actually welcomed that he thinks enough of me to remind me that the further away from my last drug use I am, the closer I am to the next one. And that’s no joke when dealing with a disease that tells me I don’t have it, that lies to me in my own voice. I am glad for another set of armor plates.

Thanks, Rudy, for the reminder that passing any “test” in sobriety is a fool’s errand. It’s a “victory” we gain absolutely nothing from by winning and will be completely defeated by losing. I have seen it too many times over the years.